more MOMents

*First allergy season post-baby:

when you realize, I now pee whenever I sneeze

and consider buying diapers for two.

*You endured hours of labor and childbirth without any drugs,

yet you cannot make it to noon

without three cups of coffee

(that you've had to reheat repeatedly).

*When you finally get a chance to grocery shop alone,

but keep pumping your foot along the shopping cart

looking for the stroller brake.

*How is it that I have an Ivy League degree,

but can't figure out the snaps on a onesie

without aggravating some kind of early onset arthritis??

*Wardrobe=Uniform:

Yoga pants

Sweatpants

Dirty sweatpants

*If I could give anyone advice about how to prepare to be a parent…

I would say stay awake for days on end, cease showering,

tie one of your arms behind your back

and try to carry out every daily chore and activity that way.

*STEP 1: Eat chocolate while hanging out with your kid in the baby-gated play area.

STEP 2: Notice baby has a mysterious brown streak on her thigh.

STEP 3: Swipe streak with your finger, sniff it and then lick it off,

hoping it is,in fact, just more chocolate.