more MOMents

*First allergy season post-baby:

when you realize, I now pee whenever I sneeze

and consider buying diapers for two.

*You endured hours of labor and childbirth without any drugs,

yet you cannot make it to noon

without three cups of coffee

(that you've had to reheat repeatedly).

*When you finally get a chance to grocery shop alone,

but keep pumping your foot along the shopping cart

looking for the stroller brake.

*How is it that I have an Ivy League degree,

but can't figure out the snaps on a onesie

without aggravating some kind of early onset arthritis??

*Wardrobe=Uniform:

Yoga pants

Sweatpants

Dirty sweatpants

*If I could give anyone advice about how to prepare to be a parent…

I would say stay awake for days on end, cease showering,

tie one of your arms behind your back

and try to carry out every daily chore and activity that way.

*STEP 1: Eat chocolate while hanging out with your kid in the baby-gated play area.

STEP 2: Notice baby has a mysterious brown streak on her thigh.

STEP 3: Swipe streak with your finger, sniff it and then lick it off,

hoping it is,in fact, just more chocolate.

MOMents

*When you used to check your lipstick in the mirror in your car. 

And now you check for grey hair.

*When the only think you want is for her to stop screaming in the car seat.

And then, when she's finally quiet, you're convinced

she's choked on something back there.

*When you consider putting on makeup and doing your hair while the baby naps, 

but decide to eat a frozen burrito instead.

*When both your babies are napping, but you & your sister are texting 

about the Sofia the First episode you're still watching.

*When the baby stops crying and you think hubby's succeeded at putting her to sleep,

when really you peek to check in on them

and see your 210 lb. husband has climbed into the crib with your 21 lb. baby.

*When you pull into the driveway and realize she's fallen asleep in her car seat, 

so you just decide to curl up and nap in yours.

*When you hear a scream in the dark and realize that your husband,

who is putting the baby to bed,

has just been bitten on the nose by your little one's first tooth.

And suddenly, he was able to empathize

with breastfeeding women everywhere.